Fake it ’til You Make It

Holiday time can be very stressful for a military family with a deployed parent.  I’m glad to not be celebrating as a single parent this year.  Having Horatio at home has made this holiday season much more festive than the past two years’ celebrations.

I don’t want to forget how it was, though, and I want to help my fellow military wives who are dealing with the holiday season while their spouses are deployed.

The deployed parent often feels empty and alone and wants to be home.  He (or she) wishes he could be home to share in the celebrations, but also to help with the preparations and work involved.

The at-home spouse struggles with the absence of a partner to share in the burden of making the house festive, shopping for gifts and preparing a meal.  Plus, she probably feels less than merry and may not even want to go through the trouble of decorating, baking and shopping.

The grinchy attitude is a natural reaction to the lonesomeness.

It can be hard to get into the holiday spirit when you see everyone around you is joyful and in family mode, preparing for fun holiday plans and you feel completely alone in the crowd.

Getting the decorations out and setting them up is a lot of work, especially while thinking of the fact that your spouse won’t be with you to celebrate, nor will he be there after the holidays, to help put it all away, which is not a fun task under the best of circumstances.

But, as a military spouse, you have to pull yourself together and do it all anyway.  Despite the lack of enthusiasm, the military wife has to put a smile on her face and make the effort to make the home joyful and festive, no-matter-what.

Why?

The kids.  It’s all about the kids.  Sure, the kids are feeling some of the same emotions as their parents.  They know it won’t be the same without mom/dad, but they still look forward to the holidays.  They get excited seeing the lights and Santa/menorahs, shopping bags, decorated cookies…  all the hoopla that is Thanksgiving to New Years Day.

Without a parent to lead the way to the celebration, children will feel lost and even more alone.  I know this because, I’m a more than a little embarrassed to say, I let it happen.

Horatio left for his deployment on December 8th of 2010.  I was in no mood to decorate or celebrate the holidays.

We lit the Hanukkah candles every night.  The boys got presents I could barely bring myself to wrap.  We traveled to my parents’ house and Santa delivered a few presents there, but the festivity was absent… and the kids noticed.  I had effectively passed my gloominess on to my kids.

That’s just sad, utterly pathetic.

I didn’t let it happen again.  Sure, last year, during the second holiday season of Horatio’s long deployment, I was as tired as ever, but it was different.  I decorated the house the day after Thanksgiving.  The boys helped and were thrilled with the anticipation the decorations ignited.

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And you know what?  I felt better, too.  Once I got over the stress and effort of getting the decorations out of the attic and putting everything in its place, I calmed down and looked forward to the holidays as much as the boys did.

Well, not quite as much, but I didn’t dread them like I had the first year he was gone.

Sometimes acting the part is more than half the battle.

An act can transition to reality and even if it doesn’t, making the effort for the kids will probably save a bundle in therapy bills for the kids in the future.

Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Happy Kwanza, Happy New Year

If you are feeling lost and alone tell your friends and family.  Don’t suffer alone.  You have someone who is more than willing to help you, share their family celebration, lend an ear, whatever it is that you need.  You can even contact me. I always respond to emails from readers.

 

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About Commander in Chief At home

Erin is a military spouse and, sometimes temporarily single mom to 4 boys. She's a parenting coach, writer, teacher, special needs (Autism) mom, and much more.
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